When Sophie’s baby cried for hours every day, she felt like she was failing, until a support programme called Surviving Crying helped her cope with postnatal depression and find confidence again.
In 2017, I had my first baby, a boy named Eli. I suffered from post-natal depression pretty instantly after his birth, although it went undiagnosed for 10 months.
When I fell pregnant with baby number two, I quickly alerted my midwife to my previous history and that I was worried it would happen again;. However, I knew more of the triggers and signs to look out for, I knew I would also need additional support and I didn’t want it to be overlooked a second time.
When my baby girl, Matilda, arrived in April 2021, I felt a lot more confident - this time, I knew that I didn’t know anything, compared to the first baby, where you haven’t got a clue just how much I didn’t know.
But she seemed quite an unhappy baby; she would often cry and cry and cry for hours on end. She didn’t nap for very long – we would be lucky to get about 30 minutes, once or twice in the daytime – and as soon as she awoke, she’d be furious that she was awake, and would then cry constantly until she slept again, hours later. I couldn’t do anything to settle her, it seemed, and very quickly I became drained, tired, frustrated, scared that something was wrong, afraid I was doing it all wrong, losing all confidence in everything. I assumed I was feeding her wrongly, so I saw a couple of breastfeeding experts, whose contradictory advice tied me up in knots.
I spoke to my GP and also had a referral to the paediatrics department at the hospital. They were all happy with her progress; she consistently put on weight and showed no other symptoms of being poorly, except for her crying. The GP and consultant both advised me to just “wait it out” and that Matilda would grow out of her crying.
I was talking to my health visitor regularly, and she spoke to me about a trial they had started locally, called Surviving Crying, and thought I would be an ideal candidate. Any help was gratefully received at this point, so I said yes straight away. She said Matilda was considered an ‘excessive crier’ - a baby who cries more than most, for no discernible reason.
The Surviving Crying programme had just started locally at that time, and it involved being assigned a specialist health visitor to visit once a week. In between those sessions, we’d be given worksheets to complete, about our feelings and strategies, what had worked that week, and what hadn’t.
I didn’t know what to expect when my Surviving Crying health visitor arrived for our first session. I thought the course would be about why M was crying, and how to settle her, how to calm her down. In hindsight, that seems naïve, and very quickly I realised the course was about me, and my husband, and how to help us survive the crying (you’d think the name would have given it away). I was taken by surprise that the emphasis was on me, and why I thought I wasn’t coping.
I vividly remember telling the health visitor that I thought I was a terrible mother. She asked how long I had felt like this. I said, since Eli was born (so about four years by this point). She said, that’s a really long time to feel that way. I hadn’t thought about it; this was just the way I felt about being a mother, it was my ‘normal’, and I hadn’t ever questioned it before. It took my breath away. She asked me why I felt like this. She asked me what a ‘good mother’ looks like; when I listed my answers, she paused, and said “but you do all those things”. It hit me hard.
Working through the information sheets, and the advice on the Surviving Crying website, helped organise my thoughts, and helped me approach M’s crying more rationally. One of the most vital pieces of advice was that her crying wasn’t my fault – that we don’t always know why babies cry, sometimes they just do, and all she needed was to know I was there.
The Surviving Crying sessions were completely invaluable to me, and my husband, and we both benefitted from the advice. I couldn’t recommend it highly enough.
I was given worksheets to complete during the week between sessions, which outlined when Matilda was crying, how I was feeling, and what I did during and after those moments. They helped me become more mindful about my emotions; to sit with the feelings, allow and recognise them, and know that I was coping and would get through those times. It also helped me to see any patterns in my behaviour - was it related to the time of day, what else was happening at the time, such as looking after my toddler at the same time, and noticing what techniques helped me to stay calm.
I was also given access to the Surviving Crying website, which proved to be helpful when I needed to log on and read other examples and case studies. If it was a difficult day, being able to read others' experiences helped me know I wasn't alone. Other people had been through the same thing. This also encouraged me to talk to other parents about it; rather than hiding away and not going to any groups, I felt I could join in and discuss how difficult it was.
I was encouraged to take time for myself; I started asking my mum and a couple of close friends to look after Matilda for an hour a week, to let me go out and have a coffee alone, or to take a nap, or just have a long bath and do my hair. This made a big difference.
Finding a social support network
We often tout the phrase ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ but these days the ‘village’ has disappeared; we often don’t live close to immediate family, we are removed from the communities we live in, and it is difficult to find a support network despite the 500 friends we have on Facebook. If the Surviving Crying programme was available nationally, to all parents, then this would give confidence, love, support and reassurance to so many parents silently struggling.
It's essential to find your social support network when you become a parent to know you're not alone and that people are there to help you. My family was very important in helping me through those first few months; my mum lived close and would pop round almost daily. Finding supportive baby groups helped massively, too; those groups where the person in charge knew I needed to go and walk around the car park, or sit in the corner for a while. Compassion goes a long way, even if they can't fix the immediate problem.
I don’t know whether my sessions caused M to stop crying, but, I think by calming me down and helping me know how to negotiate life with a crying baby, she sensed that breathing space in my heart and she calmed down (a bit) too. I felt less stressed, less useless, less panicky and for once I knew how to combat the “you’re a terrible mother” thoughts in my head. It was such a relief to not tie myself down with those dark thoughts all the time, to have freedom to think I was doing a pretty good job most of the time, and not to get sucked into the dark days. Those dark times are when M would cry the most, so she must have been feeling my darkness, and we swirled downwards together.
Matilda eventually stopped crying for hours on end; eventually, she napped for longer than half an hour. Eventually, I got some sleep and became a more rational parent.
I have said that I don’t think I would still be here without the intervention of the Surviving Crying team. This seems an extreme statement, but, at the time, I couldn’t see how to cope with the situation, and my post-natal depression was heading to a serious place. Having the support and knowledge of the Surviving Crying team meant I found a way to cope, but, more importantly, realised that I wasn’t a bad mother.
What is Surviving Crying?
Surviving Crying is a research project run by experts at Leicester University; the programme aims to provide parents with the tools and methods to mentally cope with the demands of a baby who cries excessively. The approach includes providing parents with a specialised health visitor to make regular house visits, during which CBT therapy is offered. Parents are also provided with information worksheets, and ‘homework’ to help work through their experiences. A dedicated website is also provided to parents, with extensive information about coping mechanisms.
The Surviving Crying research project operates in various parts of the country but is not yet nationwide in the UK. As the project continues and research data is collected, the Surviving Crying team hopes that the programme could be rolled out nationally.
If you think you would benefit from a specialised Surviving Crying health visitor because you are a parent of a baby who cries excessively, speak with your health visitor to find out if the project is available in your local area. If not, ask why not - the more the programme becomes widely recognised, the more likely it is to be more commonly available.
Sophie Knight is a journalist and mum of two, and previously edited motherandbaby.com before moving on to write about family cars for Parkers.co.uk. Sophie went on to become Affiliate Managing Editor for M&B, Closer, Heat, Empire, Yours, Garden News, and WhatsTheBest.co.uk before deciding to dedicate more of her time to her family and write freelance.