Losing a loved one is never an easy process, and as grown-ups we can often struggle when it comes to navigating our own grief, so when a child loses somebody they love, how do we help children process grief?
It can be quite easy to presume that children up to the ages of three and four don't really understand the concept of someone no longer being here, whereas children slightly older might understand that they won't see their loved one again. Regardless of their age though, it can be a huge thing for them to process. So what can we do to help?
There are plenty of books to help children navigate loss, but there are day to day things you can do too to help a child navigate their grief, whether it's for a grandparent, aunt or uncle or even a parent or sibling.
As a parent who is still helping my seven-year-old and three-year-old navigate their grief almost two years later, here are some methods we used and share with others who are trying to help their children process their grief:
Write letters
It doesn't have to have words, pictures are good too, but writing a letter to the person they've lost can help them to feel connected. It can be a favourite memory, or to update them about what's going on in their life.
You can even post the letter in a mailbox with an address to heaven. Some communities have dedicated post boxes that are specifically for letters to heaven, so children and family members can post their letters in a special place.
Celebrate special occasions
Children get excited for birthdays even when it's not their own. It might feel strange celebrating a birthday or special day without your loved one, but it can be an important part of a child processing grief.
Loss is sad, and sometimes children can feel confused when it comes to a birthday because it's typically a happy occasion, so let them write a card or bake a cake for them.
Talk about them
Create a memory box or share stories about them. This is especially helpful to younger children who might not have many memories, and babies as they're growing up. It allows children to revisit special memories and moments of their loved ones life, and even though they aren't here, feel connected to them.
Encourage questions
Nobody is an expert in grief or death, and it's okay to not have all the answers for a child processing grief about what both of them are. But it is important to encourage them to ask questions about what happened, about their loved one and where they are now.
We explained to our seven-year-old that life is a bit like a game, and when you complete your role on that game you move on to the next one, but you can't take everyone from that game with you.
Everyone has different beliefs, and that's okay too, so let them ask questions about that and talk to them about those different beliefs as it can help children process grief if they can understand.
Be honest with them
Children appreciate honesty, and while there's no right or wrong way to explain to a child their loved one is no longer here, it can help them to understand more if they know more about it's happened.
Obviously keeping things age appropriate and as simple as possible, you can use this as an example way of explaining:
"Grandpa died yesterday. His heart was poorly and his body stopped working. But his sickness can't spread, so we are safe, but we just won't see him again. It's okay to feel sad."
Children listen to conversations that go on around them, so by letting them know how it can help them when others are talking about it around them.
Keep to a routine
Never underestimate the power of a routine. Not only will it be good for your own mental health, but the familiarity of your day-to-day routine for your child will also offer security to the child.
Loss can feel unexpected to a child even if you had personally prepared for that loss as they were elderly or sick. A routine allows them to know what is happening and when, so they know what to expect, which can help take away any anxious feelings.
How long does grief last in children?
Like adults, there's no expiration date on how long children will grieve. There are several ways in which children process grief.
Children may revisit their grief
It might get to a point where it seems your child is enjoying their day-to-day and not speaking much about the person they've lost, then out of nowhere they start asking questions about what happened or death in general.
This can happen in particular when there's a new milestone in your child's life, such as starting school, or even around an important date such as birthdays.
It can be hard to revisit it all again, but revisiting is how your child will learn to process what happened and, even though you might not know why, understand more about it.
Children may express grief differently
It's important to remember that changes in emotion and behaviour is completely normal when grieving as an adult, so it can be very similar for children grieving. You might find it varies depending on how old they are too.
Some children might become more clingy to one person or start to experience separation anxiety, especially if the loss of their loved one was unexpected. This can happen at bedtime, where your child might not want you to leave until they're asleep, dropping off at schools or a relatives house, or even if you just need to go out for an errand.
It's important to be patient and reassure your child that they are safe and it's okay to slowly build up to leaving them for longer periods of time again.
Other children might experience sadness or anger. It's okay to validate how they are feeling, but you can create ways to help in those moments, such as allowing them to cry and feel their sadness or creating space if they want to be alone, and when angry helping to let it out in a healthy way, such as throwing a soft ball at the wall or deep breaths.
Are there any services for children navigating grief?
It's worth checking your local area for resources closer to you. Some communities have bereavement support groups for children at hospices or at youth centres.
There's also the Winstons Wish, which is a bereavement charity in the UK who provide digital information to support children and young people.
Samantha Ball is a Features & Reviews Editor for Mother&Baby, having written for the brand since 2018. She's a mum of two and loves browsing for the best and current trending products for little ones and for cute seasonal outfits.