Somehow it is mid August and the end of the summer holidays are in sight, and while that means the juggle of work and childcare will ease, it also means my youngest child, Orla, will have her first day at school and start reception class in a couple of weeks and, if I am honest, I don't know how to feel about it. Part of me wants to hold onto her for longer, to still attend preschool play groups, or have mid-morning trips to the park on a Friday, and those precious hours together doing jigsaws, or simply pottering around the house together before collecting her big sister from school. The other part of me is excited to start this new chapter, with more independence for both of us. For Orla, she will be in school five, full days and I'm sure she will be brimming with excitement at everything there is to learn, as well as all the friends she will make. For me, after eight years of parenting little ones, of having a baby, then a toddler, then a pre schooler, around the house, I will have time to myself, to work and prioritise my ambitions. And isn't that terrifying?
My older daughter, Ailis, started school in September 2020, in the chaos of covid and lock downs, distanced goodbyes, and eventually home learning, and while it was hard, I felt less emotional than I do now at the prospect of my baby becoming a school girl. But why is that? Maybe after a long lock down and the prospect of another lock down on the way, we all needed space and so starting school provided welcome relief, but still it feels harder this time. Why does it seem more difficult to let go of my second born, than my first? Perhaps it signals the end of an era, the closure of one parenting chapter.
As mums, we often crave some freedom, just five minutes to brush our hair, or shower, in peace. I would go so far as to say, in the early days (especially with a newborn and a three year old during a pandemic) I fantasied about the day I would wave them both through the school gates and have 7 hours to myself. But now, with that day fast approaching, and regularly going through the first day of school checklist, it is not as easy as I thought it was going to be.
Getting ready for school
In the build up to the summer holidays, during the last term of pre school, we attended a taster session for Reception, to meet the teacher, explore the classroom and meet fellow parents and new friends. Orla was nervous, despite nearly all her preschool friends also being there, she clung to me, she didn't want to sit on the carpet for story time and when asked her name, she whispered, with her normally overly loud voice, "Orla." I worried then how she would cope, would she feel lost, afraid, overwhelmed? Throughout that morning she sat on my lap, wandered off briefly to explore, then returned to me. I remember thinking that in September, I wouldn't be there, she would be wandering without me as an anchor. But then we started making The Hungry Caterpillar out of play dough and she relaxed, she moved away and I stood chatting to other mums, momentarily not noticing her little hand had left mine. By the end of the morning she was settled, and while her voice when spoken to by the teacher was still a whisper, she was smiling, laughing and chatting to friends. She will be okay, I told myself.
We left the taster morning laden down with forms for ordering school lunches (suddenly I couldn't think what she would eat!), for consent for photos and school trips and lots of other information that again made me feel nervous for her. School trips? It didn't seem possible that she would board a coach without me one day, and yet, that day was not that far away.
Pre school graduation
Graduating from preschool seems to be a rite of passage for our little ones nowadays, and I have to admit that I always wondered if it was necessary. However, on the day, it was full of so many special moments, it was a chance to say goodbye, to express thanks, to reminisce not just about the current leavers but about their siblings who attended pre school before them. For many of us, we had been a part of preschool for years and suddenly there was a realisation that this was the last time we would be there, that there wasn't a younger sibling to join in a year or two and so this really was goodbye, and therefore it was a morning with lots of tears, but so much to celebrate and another step in the journey to starting reception.
Ordering uniform
While we have a lot of school uniform handed down from her sister, Orla still needed a few bits and pieces and her excitement that she would get to wear the same uniform as Ailis was incredibly cute. She couldn't wait to try her new uniform on and paraded round the house in her red polo shirt, stroked her new school jumper and bounced around saying, "look at me, I'm a big girl." Indeed, she really did look like a big girl and while I snapped photos of her in her new uniform to send to family, I did again wonder where the time had gone and how we were already in this moment, trying on school uniform, and preparing for reception.
Buying school shoes
An exciting step in the preparation for school was buying school shoes. Again, Orla has watched Ailis get new shiny black shoes each year, and this time it was her turn as well. As she got her feet measured she was grinning and telling the sales assistant that she is four and a half and going to big school. Ailis joined in excitedly telling the shop assistant that her little sister was finally going to be in school with her. I sat back, proud, and happy at their confidence and excitement. We left the shop with two new pairs of patent black shoes and a pair of PE trainers. Orla wanted to carry the bag herself and swung it through the town centre. Ailis puzzled at why it was such a big deal to get school shoes, after all they are black and "boring" but if you have never had any before then it apparently is very exciting.
Summer holidays come to an end
Let's face it, sometimes they feel long, don't they? Not just for us, but for our little ones too who start to miss friends and routine. For parents it can be hard to manage work with children at home but more than that the continuous struggle of finding something to do, whether that is days out, or playing in the garden, kids can get bored quite easily. This year, the summer holidays are going a little bit too quickly, for me at least. The girls keep asking when school starts, and while they say, "not yet" and want more time at home, I know they are excited to see their friends, but also to start the new normal.
We have talked about school more than usual this year, to prepare Orla, and Ailis is very excited for Orla to join her in school. She has informed her (correctly or not I am unsure) of playground etiquette, strict teachers, how the lunch queue works and other insights I cannot prepare Orla for. Listening to them chatting and planning their day to day school week, which for the most part, I will not be involved in, is reassuring and warming. It shows me Orla is ready, she is happy to move on to this next step, and it also demonstrates to me just how much she has grown up.
At bedtime, when we cuddle up to read a story, and it's just me and her, Orla often says she doesn't want to go to school yet. Her little finger twirls in my hair and she says she wants to stay with me. I want to say the same to her, and tell her I would like her to stay little for just a bit longer but of course I don't. I tell her I will miss her, but that she will have so much fun. We talk about her friends from preschool joining her in her class, and her teacher and little things like how she wants her hair plaited just like Ailis has hers.
The other night she said she will cry when she has to go into school and it took me back that she has thought about how she will feel, that she is considering already she might be upset. I thought she was too young, and would simply be swept up by however she feels on the day. But she is thinking about it all the time, as I am, and Ailis and my husband. We are all thinking about this next big step and naturally there are worries and excitement too. Separation anxiety when starting school or nursery is very common. I told her it is okay to cry, that it is fine if she feels a bit sad, but that she will probably also feel happy too, and excited. In seconds, she was talking about one of her friends and what they eat for lunch and asking if they would still eat it at school and then we were back to our story.
There are less than two weeks left of the summer holidays now, and I am counting down every day, not because I am wishing it over, but because I want time to slow down, just for a moment. Just as children experience back to school anxiety, I am sure parents feel it too. On the first day of school, I am sure there will be tears (Orla's and mine, most likely) and that is okay. It is a big thing when your child starts school, no matter if they are your first, second or third baby, they are still your baby going off onto the next step with more independence than before, and that hurts, but it is joyful too.
I will come back here to let you know how we all get on, not just that first day, but for the first few weeks because just like any stage of parenting, there are sure to be ups and downs.
The first two weeks of school
We are now at the start of our second full week of reception class. As expected there have been ups and downs but most importantly a lot of smiles too. Orla is enjoying school once she is through the door but goodbyes are not easy. Every morning so far, her little face crumples and she cries, saying she doesn't want to go to school. At first she clung to my skirt, to my arms and wouldn't let go and the teacher (heartbreakingly!) had to pull her from me and carry her into the classroom. Now, two weeks in, she doesn't hold onto me, but her face still falls when the door opens and she cries and asks to stay with me. It's hard, because every part of me wants to say, yes, yes you can stay and take her home and play, or go to our familiar preschool groups. But I can't. She can't. She is at school now and so I give her a hug, tell her I love her and say she will have a fun day with her friends. And that is the thing! She always does, she comes out beaming with stories of painting, the mud kitchen, singing and playing with friends. She is so happy. Once we are home every afternoon she tells me she had a great day and she likes school. I start to feel hopeful that the next morning will be easier, but so far, it never is.
It is the separation that hurts, for both of us, so used to spending our days together, those morning goodbyes are a reminder that our days are different and we are not together as much as before. Before school she attended preschool, so we were apart for some of the week, but she had shorter days and there was time for just the two of us while her older sister was at school.
Her older sister, Ailis, has been a real help and checks on her and encourages her through the door in the morning. As a child who loves school, Ailis is puzzled over Orla's tears and reassures me that during the day she is happy. On their first day, Ailis said she helped Orla cut up her chicken at lunchtime and I loved that. I loved the thought of my girls coming together to support each other and I worried less at the thought of Orla, my baby, alone in a big lunch hall unsure what to do, or wear to sit. Of course, I know there are teachers to support her, but how nice to know she has her sister watching out for her too and I am proud of them for looking after each and finding their own way during the school day when I am not there.
This morning, Orla cried again but she didn't cling. Before the tears she showed me how she goes down the slide, the mud kitchen and she chatted to friends. She ran back to me when the door opened and became upset, but already the tears are less. I imagine in a few weeks she might stroll through the door, more settled and more confident. But if she doesn't, if it takes longer, then that is okay too. For now we are all finding our feet in our new routine, with more tiredness, uniform (of which she is incredibly proud), PE schedules, lunch bookings and reading records. Perhaps by half term we will all be settled but there is no rush and no wrong or right way to do things.
Laura Healy is a Commercial Content Writer for Mother&Baby. She is a mum-of-two girls and loves writing about all things parenting, she is particularly interested in the toddler years and eco-friendly baby products, as well as children’s literature. She has a PhD in Creative Writing and has published short stories in the UK and Ireland, as well as previously writing freelance for her local paper.