If someone you know has suffered a miscarriage or baby loss it can be difficult to know what to say, what not to say, or how you can support them after this devastating loss. Comments you'll likely hear all the time are "don't worry you can try again" or, "well at least you weren't that far gone" after a miscarriage.
Amina Hatia, Midwifery Manager at pregnancy charity Tommy’s explains how these types of comments can be damaging, and ways you can support a parent after loss, whether it's your friend, partner, work colleague or family member.
We know that when most people say something that is a bit clumsy or inappropriate, they really don’t mean it to sound unhelpful. They want to make the person who has sadly experienced a miscarriage feel better, and naturally many people will feel like they should try and sound encouraging by being positive about their friend, colleague or family member’s chances of having a healthy baby in the future. It’s natural to try and offer some type of ‘solution’.
Unfortunately, these sorts of comments can come across as dismissive or as minimising what is likely to have been a very mentally and physically painful time, and as if you’re not taking what has happened seriously, which can be really upsetting.
Acknowledge their loss
Research by Tommy’s scientists has shown the enormous mental health impact that losing a baby has at any stage of the pregnancy, including very early weeks.
It’s really important that just because a loss was early that you understand that many women and pregnant people, as well as their partners, will feel like they’re a parent from the minute they see a line on a pregnancy test, so an early loss can be shattering because they’ll be grieving for a future they’ve imagined.
Be a shoulder to cry on
Everyone handles grief differently so it’s difficult to offer advice on how to support someone after an early loss that will fit every person’s needs.
What is important is that being a kind, compassionate person is worth its weight in gold to someone who is feeling the sadness of baby loss – even when you don’t know what to say - sometimes the best thing to do is to just sit and listen.
Many parents affected by loss feel alone and isolated, so your willingness to be present in some way with them really matters – more than having exactly the right thing to say.
Let them take the lead
If you’ve been through an early loss yourself, they might find comfort in hearing about your experience and how you coped with it, but others might not.
Some people who have experienced loss might want to talk about their baby and use their name if they already had one in mind, but others’ won’t – so it’s always best to ask.
Try to give them space to say everything they want to say.
Be thoughtful
Sending a gift like flowers can make a huge difference, it might say more than words can. But importantly it’s important not to say nothing or ignore what has happened – saying anything is better than silence!
Tell them that you’re sorry, offer to be there to support them, and acknowledge their loss.
Check in on them
Baby loss can leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and it can be hard to answer a question such as ‘how are you? – try asking ‘how are you doing today?' instead as this may be easier for someone to answer and will show you have understood what has happened is painful.
You don’t have to know exactly what to say or have solutions. In almost all circumstance people who are grieving will need support more than solutions, so being there for them is enough.
We also encourage you to help guide your loved one to some support if they need it - tell them about Tommy’s or to think about joining an online support group where they can connect with others.