Hi Guys! I’m Rosie, I am Mummy to Ziggy, I live with my wife Rose and together we make YouTube videos – I love to put it all out there on the internet! In this article I'm talking about the first year and what I wish I'd known sooner.
That first year. The year of opposites. The best and worst year of my life. The longest and shortest. The year of winging it whilst wading through a mountain of unsolicited advice. The year of trusting your instincts, then doubting them and ignoring them until you come full circle.
The year that everyone will experience differently, but at a glance, looks the same. A year of learning when you thought you were done with school. Here’s what I wish someone had told me.
Ditch the apps
All the apps. Social media apps, baby milestone apps. Hell, even any non baby-related app or website. GET OFF THE INTERNET!
I found that, when I had a baby, suddenly everyone I followed online also had a baby. Internet algorithms are absolutely fantastic, if even, too fantastic. I was bombarded with baby content, baby advice, targeted marketing for baby products. Baby, baby, baby 24/7.
So not only was I suddenly responsible for a tiny human all the time but I had NO break from it! With the hormones swirling around and fierce protective instincts kicking in, all I could see was baby. And that is so not healthy!
It’s not healthy to compare, or to obsess over babies health and development. What I needed was to CHILL. I wish someone had told me to put my phone down, and that it was OK to take a break for a while. To put a film on while the baby is feeding, or have a bubble bath and do some skincare. No wonder parents feel they lose their identity when babies are born.
It doesn’t make you a bad parent to have other interests or things going on. Constant worrying doesn’t make you the best parent, but it does make it highly likely you will burn out. Which brings me onto…
Don’t stress about development
This is something I never thought I’d stress about, until the moment I became a parent. I’m not sure if it’s hormonal, or societal pressures or just plain mum-brain? But things that seem totally unimportant before giving birth can become quite stressful after. No one asks you as an adult when you started eating solid food, sleeping through the night, crawling or walking, and yet it’s easy to get caught up in these things as a new parent.
But is your baby hitting milestones or are you? If I created an app for mummy milestones (if this isn’t already a thing, I’m patenting it) here’s a few I would have earned throughout the year:
1 The “sterile queen” badge which later quickly becomes “my baby’s eating off the floor and I no longer care” badge
2 The “nailing the optimum sleeping conditions” badge, when later you will earn “My baby fell asleep in the middle of a loud party in the day but won’t sleep in a dark room with white noise when tired” badge
Your baby will develop in their own time. I spent so much time and effort trying to do things exactly by the book, following all the latest guidelines and recommendations. But if you can relax and go with the flow, you will learn exactly what your baby needs to thrive. Your baby isn’t like every other baby! Does your life path follow a strict pre-set guideline by an expert? I highly doubt it.
“It goes so quickly”… and there’s nothing you can do about that!
I got so caught up in everyone telling me that “it goes so quickly” and “enjoy every moment, it flies by”. It brought on a tremendous amount of guilt for any moment I wasn’t 100% present and loving it.
It does go quickly but you can’t stop that! That is literally how time works – babies get older! It’s also OK AND TOTALLY NORMAL to not be ‘present and soaking it all up’ all the time – that is not how we go through life! You can’t simultaneously be wolfing down a meal while it’s still hot in two seconds flat, not dressed with wet hair mid text message, thinking about work and your to-do list before you rush to change a nappy AND be like ‘wow, I’m so present, this is awesome I’m enjoying myself so much’. No. Just no.
Online you get pictures and videos from quiet, gorgeous moments. But everyone will have their share of spills, poo, sleep deprived mistakes, rushing, stress, anxiety and even tears. Not every moment will be heavenly, but that’s ok. Those moments when your baby smiles, or coos, or snores, or surprises you are those magical moments that make it all worth it! But those moments aren’t 24/7. And if they were, they wouldn’t be special.
Babies cry and that’s ok
It’s not because you’re a bad mum. It’s not because you’re doing something wrong. You aren’t neglectful or ‘bad at this’. Babies just cry. It’s their only form of communication.
Yes, you can check if they are hot, or cold, thirsty or hungry. Poorly or overtired, or undertired. If they are colicky. If they want to be held or put down, or taken into a new room or have some fresh air or given a bath.
But sometimes, just sometimes, maybe they just want to have a little cry. And that’s ok – you can join in too!
Take the pictures
Doesn’t matter if you haven’t washed your hair. Doesn’t matter if you don’t look like ‘you’. Doesn’t matter about your weight, or your skin, or the bags under your eyes, or the stains on your clothes. Doesn’t matter if you look like someone just found you crawling at the bottom of a bin. Take the photos.
You won’t look back at you. You'll look back at how much your baby has grown. How small and perfect they were in that moment. You will remember the tiredness, the toughness, the euphoria, the pride, the love, the emotions, the rollercoaster. Don’t wait for gram-worthy moments, enjoy the imperfectly perfect.
Let your partner help
If you’re lucky enough to have a supportive partner, utilise them! My wife took on more of our workload while I recovered from birth and I did more caregiving for the baby in order for her to be refreshed and on form to do her work.
However, when one person spends more time with the baby, it’s easy for them to start micromanaging how their partner, or mum, or friend looks after the baby. You have to trust other people, just because they don’t look after the baby in the exact same way as you do, doesn’t make them wrong!
Rose (my wife) would actually surprise me and teach me new tricks she learned to manage our boy, and came up with fun new games to make him giggle.
We went through a long period where I slept in a separate room with Ziggy in order to give Rose more sleep, but actually now he always wants me to put him to bed. I should have loosened up and allowed Rose to take on more tasks and time with the baby. I thought I was giving her more time and space for herself, but arguably it’s so important for your partner to help out – it doesn’t just help you, it helps strengthen their bond, and that is so wonderful for everyone!
You’ve actually got this!
They say that no amount of research and advice can prepare you for the reality of having a baby. And when you finally get there, there are moments when you think “I have no idea what I am doing”.
You feel like you’re winging it, and you are. You are learning on the job, and that’s a constant process!
But, you will have these incredible moments of pride and triumph. Moments where you handle a meltdown, or a tricky situation. Moments where you have to make quick decisions and you get it right. Moments where you are so on top of your game. Make sure you congratulate yourself for those moments!
I had a bit of a fear of driving and severe post partum anxiety when our baby was born. I can remember one time, driving him back from nursery when he was really crying in the back of the car. I thought to myself… wow, this was one of my worst fears – trying to drive while he’s really upset and I’m stressed out – and I’m doing it! Go me!
I’ve since done many drives with Ziggy, when he’s crying, sleeping, laughing and playing. I always smile and take a moment to think how far I’ve come.
Yes, there will be days when I get zero housework and zero work done…but there will be days when I smash it all. Feeding him well, playing with him, having fun, helping him learn, getting myself ready for the day, ticking off my tasks. And those days are AWESOME!
And finally – some general advice
You’re tougher than you think! I went through a three day labour, a third degree tear, post partum anxiety and depression, a house move, family feuds, COVID, Hand Foot and Mouth and a zillion other illnesses, trying not to be sick whilst breastfeeding my baby at the same time.
I learned to multitask, to think on my feet, my empathy and patience expanded, my marriage was tested and we learned how to communicate even better, I learned to have boundaries, I learned my strengths and worked on my weaknesses. Parenthood makes you grow as a person, and every single day as your baby learns something, so do you.
There are tough moments, mentally and physically, and it can be hard. But there are BIG moments of reward and sense of achievement. There is SO. MUCH. LOVE.
You will wish time away and at the same time wonder why you didn’t do this sooner, and mull over when you will have another one. My advice to you is:
• Give everything time. Small steps lead to giant leaps.
• Get out of the house every day, even if it's just to the supermarket.
• Everything is a phase.
• Your feelings are valid, so stop judging yourself for how you feel, you don’t need to feel guilty about everything, so stop with the inner critic.
• Try to love yourself unconditionally, just like you love your baby.
• It’s ok to watch TV, it’s ok to have time to yourself, that doesn’t make you a bad parent.
• Don’t listen to anyone’s unsolicited advice, and go and have fun – you’ve got this!