So, there I was, tidying up the tiny baby clothes my daughter barely wore, deciding which ones to sell online. As I organised piles of outgrown sleepsuits, I got this hollow, sinking feeling in my stomach. I shared the link to my shop on Instagram, and, of course, someone DM’d me with the oh-so-innocent question, "Why not keep those for baby number two?!" But, the thought of “doing all that again” made me feel physically sick.
Funny thing is, looking back, everyone around me could tell I was struggling, but I was oblivious. Sure, I didn’t feel right, but I just blamed it all on pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, and the circus that is new motherhood. I used to be fearless, "Little Miss Invincible” they called me. But in 2022, I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Insufficiency (POI), which put me on a whole new path. That is when my battle with my mental health began.
Pregnancy and mental health
The emotional rollercoaster of being told you're peri-menopausal at a young age is not for the faint-hearted. Add that to the doctor’s "helpful" reminder that my natural chances of getting pregnant were less than 5%, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a stressful situation. Fast forward a few weeks (and some extensive fertility treatment) later, and boom! I was *miraculously* pregnant. I should have been over the moon, but I felt a looming dread instead.
For the next six months, I was waiting for that magical “everything gets better once baby arrives” moment. You know, the one where you’re flooded with love, joy, and happiness the minute you hold your baby for the first time. Well, in March 2023, my life did change in an instant… just not in the Hollywood-movie way I’d hoped. Instead, it felt like I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
How to cope with physical and mental changes
Don’t get me wrong, I love my Cici with every fibre of my being, she is the epicentre of my universe, but coping with all the changes in my body and mind? Hardest thing I’ve ever done. As much as I hate to admit it, I couldn’t stop worrying about my body. My first thought when I found out I was pregnant? Not “I’m going to be a mum!!!” Nope. It was, “What if I get fat?” I can remember crying to my partner the next morning, freaking out about stretch marks, teabag boobies and flabby bum and tum. Old insecurities never leave you, especially when you’ve been bullied about your size growing up.
Then, we hit that horrendous 5-9 month period where the “newborn glow” has worn off. This was by far the worst stage for me. The visitors stop coming by with flowers and balloons, and life gets VERY real. Every day, felt like groundhog day. I felt this overwhelming combination of rage, sadness, and regret. Like I’d lost myself entirely. Who was this sleep-deprived, constantly tearful version of me? I didn’t recognise her and I REALLY didn’t like her. I had never understood the saying thriving not surviving until now. There is a huge difference between LIVING and EXISTING.
There were days when I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated, I’d end up in tears, questioning everything—my purpose, my place in the world, and whether it was even worth staying. But deep down, I knew I had to pull myself together because I wasn’t about to let my daughter’s story become another sad statistic. Looking back, it gives me chills to think of just how tough things really were and moving forward I will do everything in my power to prevent getting to that dark place again.
The reality of motherhood
Writing this, I realise it probably sounds like an incredibly depressing rant. I would apologise, however, I’m not sorry. Why aren’t more mothers talking about the *real* stuff? Why do we feel like failures for not experiencing “unicorns and rainbows” 24/7? Newsflash people: motherhood is amazing BUT incredibly hard, sometimes both at the same time. Yet, social media and Hollywood keep feeding us this sugar-coated image of perfect motherhood that feels like a slap in the face when reality hits.
Here’s a lightbulb moment I had recently with a friend, admitting your struggles doesn’t mean you love your child any less. Sharing your real feelings—whether it’s with friends, a therapist, or the internet—might just be the best way to cope. And guess what? Working on your mental health during motherhood isn’t “mum guilt.” It’s about making sure you’re in a good place so you can show up for your little one as the best version of yourself. Not the version society or social media expects you to be.
How to recognise symptoms of postpartum depression
Dr Anna Cantlay, a GP and Menopause Specialist at Westminster Women's Clinic in London, highlights the importance of recognising postpartum depression (PND) symptoms in loved ones. PND is a prevalent mental health condition, affecting about 1 in 10 women within the first year after childbirth. Being aware of the signs of PND is crucial, as early intervention can make a significant difference.
In the early days after birth, many new mothers may experience "baby blues," characterised by feelings of exhaustion, tearfulness, and being overwhelmed due to hormonal changes. Baby blues affect up to 75% of women and typically resolve within two weeks. However, if sadness, low mood, or frequent crying persist beyond this period, it may indicate PND. Notably, PND is not limited to biological mothers; fathers, adoptive parents, and surrogates can also experience postnatal depression.
According to Dr Anna, key symptoms of PND include:
• prolonged sadness
• low energy
• a lack of enjoyment in activities
• social withdrawal
• difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
• feelings of worthlessness
• trouble bonding with the baby.
In severe cases, there may be frightening thoughts about self-harm or harming the baby. If you or someone you know is showing these symptoms, encourage them to seek support from a healthcare provider. Timely intervention, including counseling, therapy, or medication, can greatly help individuals facing PND, ensuring they receive the care they need.
Dr Anna adds, “It’s really important that women don’t feel guilty for the way they are feeling, or that they may have somehow caused their illness. Postpartum mental illness is out of your control, and is likely caused by a complex interplay of hormones, genetics and environmental factors. More research is needed into the causes of postnatal depression and the link with hormonal changes.
"During pregnancy, the levels of oestrogen and progesterone increase to their highest levels and drop sharply after birth. This rapid drop in hormones may contribute to postnatal depression. Some women may be at higher risk of getting postnatal depression. This can include those who have a personal or family history of mental illness or who have had a traumatic birth or a baby with special needs or prematurity. Feeding difficulties with their baby can also be a trigger.”
Prioritise mental health from pregnancy
In my own experience, I noticed my mental health deteriorate most during pregnancy. Dr Anna advises to ‘start as you mean to go on’ with your mental health journey by making a start before your baby arrives. Her top tips include:
• prioritising yourself and self-care
• paying attention to the foundations of health (sleep, diet and exercise)
• setting yourself realistic expectations – ie don’t try and do it all!
• start building that village of friends, family and care professionals that can support and advocate for you
• lastly, if you are struggling, seek support early. Tell your family, friends, midwife or doctor so you can get the help you need.
I asked Dr Anna as a mother herself, if she thought women would ever be able to live without judgement of their mental health during the early years of motherhood. She explained, “I often talk about matrescence, which is the bio-psycho-social shift of becoming a mother. The birth of a mother is seismic, with huge biological, cultural and societal impacts on the woman. Yet in Western cultures our focus is more on the birth of the child. Women are expected to get on with it and carry on as before.
"Motherhood is romanticised in social media, making mothers feel guilty for not feeling or looking the way they feel they should. For me, it has taken a lot of time and self-reflection to fully appreciate the enormity of the motherhood transformation. It’s raw and beautiful and chaotic and full of mixed emotions. I now try and lean into it more, practice self-love and appreciation and celebrate how amazing women are.”
Don't suffer in silence
As a final word from Dr Anna, she mentions to not struggle in silence. “Don’t feel guilty. Postpartum depression is common – I myself have experienced it with both boys. Tell your friends and loved ones, seek help – speak to your doctor or midwife and get support quickly. There is lots of treatment available.”
I have to say, this is one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever written, and it’s scary to share. But if it helps another mother feel less alone, then it’s worth it. It’s taken me a whole year to finally meet the new me—and not just meet her, but fall in love with her. The entire time, I was desperately trying to claw back the “old me”, but she doesn’t exist anymore. I eventually had to accept that there was no magic “quick fix” to make everything feel like it did before. There are still days when those tough feelings try to sneak back in. But instead of clinging to the past, I decided to embrace change.
I went for a full rebrand, new look, new hobbies, new mindset, new approach to life. I gave myself permission to dig deep and rediscover what I love and what makes me happy, instead of obsessing over being the ‘perfect’ mum. Learning to let go of control—especially over things I honestly can’t control anyway—has been a game-changer. These days, when the waves of motherhood feel overwhelming, I let myself feel the emotions instead of fighting them. Surrendering to the ups and downs of this journey has been transformative.
One thing I've come to understand is that it’s totally normal—even necessary—to grow, evolve, and reinvent yourself through the journey of motherhood. And this new version of you? She’s pretty amazing. Honestly, if I hadn’t met her, I’m not sure where I’d be.
Should you be feeling like you are reading a book of your own life PLEASE reach out, whether it's to friends, family or a healthcare professional. Or pop me a DM. Don’t be afraid to ask.
So, here’s to keeping it real. Here’s to supporting each other through the good, the bad, and the midnight cries, whether that’s babies or your own. Let’s start being a little kinder to ourselves in the messy, wonderful journey of motherhood.
About the expert
Dr Anna Cantlay works as an NHS GP in London and is a British Menopause Society Accredited Advanced Menopause Specialist. She is a member of the National Association of Premenstrual Syndromes and the European Menopause and Andrology Society and has extensive clinical experience in menopause, menstrual and postnatal health across the NHS and Private sector.
Holly Connolly is a female boss, mum to Cici, and the big sister you never knew you needed! She’s dishing out advice and hilarious anecdotes on social media, racking up over 15 million views. As the co-host of parenting podcast "Oh Baby!", Holly shares her wild ride through motherhood, marriage, business, and everyday chaos.