Waiting 12 weeks to tell your family and friends that you’re expecting a baby is a societal norm I’ve never quite been on board with. The first three months, often dubbed the secret trimester, can be some of the hardest weeks to deal with, regardless of what happens next.
The recommendation mostly comes from concern of loss and the wait for test results to confirm that your baby is okay. For me, it’s not a recommendation I ever planned on listening to.
Why? I have many reasons, but my biggest one was because of my journey to motherhood. When my husband and I started trying for a baby, I vastly underestimated how difficult it can be for some people. Unfortunately, we didn’t have an easy journey at all. Some immediate family and my closest friends knew when we started trying for a baby, but as we arranged more doctor’s appointments and had more bad results, we became more open.
Building a support system was important for us and the further along the journey we went, the more of our family and close friends we told about our difficulties. It helped, being open about it. So, when people knew we were heading down the IVF route – which we ultimately didn’t need – we had a lot of love around us. Which is why when we had our two lines the day of our IVF referral (typical, but no, taking the stress off was not why we fell pregnant, a medical procedure likely was), we couldn’t exactly keep it in.
By eight weeks, our close family all knew. By nine weeks, all our close friends knew. At 12 weeks, we announced it to the world. But aside from personal preference, there were practical things which made things easier.
I was able to voice my concerns to friends who have been pregnant, who would then talk me through things that happened to them which made me feel far more at ease. We have medical professionals in our family, I could text them to find out if what I was experiencing was normal. My manager at work knew that if I disappeared for 15 minutes I was likely throwing up, so I wasn’t on edge trying to come up with excuses. Nobody bat an eyelid if I didn’t drink, or when I’d suddenly get ridiculously tired.
Most importantly, I was able to get excited. My husband and I were on edge for the first eight weeks. When you struggle to get pregnant, it’s hard to believe that you are actually pregnant when it finally happens – my bank account paired with 50+ pregnancy tests can attest to that. Friends and family often brush the negative thoughts aside, which was great for me mentally. Would I feel differently had I miscarried? I don’t know, but that brings me onto my next point.
If the worst had happened, and we had sadly lost our baby, I can’t imagine dealing with that without the support of our loved ones. I was very aware that if something happened, it was happening to the both of us, and while we would need one another more than ever, we may need outside support too. That system we built when we started trying for a baby knew and understood how challenging our journey had been. They got it. Sure, people don’t often know what to say, but it would’ve been nice just to know they were there.
I’ve said it already, but even before we started trying for a baby, waiting 12 weeks was never my intention. I have always felt it’s outdated guidance from a time when people didn’t talk about their mental health. Is a miscarriage horrible to talk about? Of course. I’m not saying I would have shared it with the world, but I don’t think any couple should have to deal with the heartache of loss alone. I also believe if you want to share your happy news with your loved ones, you should be able to do that.
With pregnancy in general, there is still a lot of stigma. Not many people talk about struggling to conceive, loss or even challenges during the first trimester. All three are mentally draining and not something anyone should go through alone.
I have no regrets about not waiting the 12 weeks, the secret trimester is hard, tiring and emotional. Any support you can get, from those you trust, is needed.
So, why are parents-to-be advised to announce pregnancy after 12 weeks?
Midwife Pip Davies shared her professional insight regarding telling your loved ones, explaining why some people choose to wait.
She said: “Ultimately there is no right or wrong time to announce a pregnancy and it is such a personal choice. Some women choose to wait until after their 12 week dating scan when the likelihood of miscarriage is reduced, others wait until after their 20 week anomaly scan and some decide to share their news straight away in the early weeks.
"It feels as though it has become a bit of a societal norm to share after 12 weeks. Perhaps we have been conditioned to do this because it's common or because we don't want to share pregnancy loss news. It can be really beneficial to share a pregnancy early with those closest to you in particular as they can then support you through the challenges of the first trimester symptoms and should you experience a loss, be there to help you grieve too. It is also important we break the taboo of pregnancy loss as it is so common and is not something women should feel ashamed about in any way."
About the expert
Pip an experienced practicing NHS Midwifery Sister, MSc, author of Midwife Pip’s Guide to a Positive Birth, KGH hypnobirthing diploma, founder of the Midwife Pip Podcast, pelvic health specialist, pre and postnatal trainer and, importantly, a mum. Pip is an enthusiast of all things women’s health and wellness. Having worked with many families, for many years Pip see’s every day the void in high quality information available. Pip is on a mission to change this and to make sure that all women can access the information they deserve and need to be empowered and supported through their pregnancy, birth and postpartum journeys.
Carly Duffy is a freelance writer for Mother&Baby. She’s a first time mum-to-be and is navigating her new journey towards motherhood, while being passionate about supporting new parents and those trying to conceive. Carly loves spending time with her husband and two dogs, and is looking forward to bringing their first baby into the mix.