Every parent knows the moment—a shrieking, stomping toddler demanding the impossible, like eating ice cream for dinner or wearing a superhero cape to bed. Or the sudden tears over something seemingly small, like the “wrong” colour cup or a beloved toy falling on the floor.
These moments can leave parents feeling a whirlwind of emotions: frustration, guilt, helplessness—and maybe even embarrassment if it happens in public. But what if tantrums weren’t a sign of failure, but rather a natural, even healthy, part of your child’s development?
We spoke with Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, clinical psychologist, parenting coach and mind-body expertsJen Mann and Karden Rabin, co-authors of The Secret Language of the Body, to explore what tantrums really are, why they happen, and how parents can manage these meltdowns while supporting their child’s emotional growth.
From decoding your child’s emotions to staying grounded in the heat of the moment, their advice will help you approach these challenging situations with confidence and compassion.
What is a tantrum?
Imagine your toddler sprawled on the supermarket floor, wailing because they can’t have candy. Classic tantrum, right? Now picture your preschooler sobbing uncontrollably because they dropped their ice cream cone. Same behaviour, but when you dig deeper, the second situation may feel more understandable.
This highlights an important point: tantrums don’t happen in isolation. They’re your child’s way of expressing overwhelming emotions they don’t yet have the tools to process.
Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, clinical psychologist, parenting coach further explains, "This behaviour we call a ‘tantrum’ doesn’t happen in isolation – we need to consider the conditions and events that lead up to the tantrum; the problem your toddler may have been attempting to solve; your response; and all of the emotions involved for both you and your tot.
More often than not, your child may feel frustrated, disappointed, sad, afraid, and/or overwhelmed. So, my definition of a tantrum is that it’s a behavioural response to not knowing how to manage or express an overwhelming emotional experience. And in young children, that’s completely normal and natural."
Why do tantrums happen?
Let’s bust a myth: tantrums don’t mean something’s wrong with your child. In fact, they’re a sign that your child’s brain is developing as it should.
Rebecca explains, “Young brains grow from the ground up, starting with basic functions like sight and hearing, then building more complex systems for emotions, communication, and decision-making. Tantrums are just a sign that a child’s emotional wiring is still catching up.”
However, toddlers’ self-regulation skills—like managing frustration or disappointment—don’t start developing until they’re around 3½ or 4 years old. Even then, it takes years to master.
“Think about it like this,” says Rebecca. “Your toddler is like a car with a powerful engine but no brakes. Their emotions are the engine, and they don’t yet have the tools to slow down or stop when things feel overwhelming.”
This explains why tantrums are more frequent when children are hungry, tired, or overwhelmed. For instance, think back to the last time your child had a meltdown: Were they running on little sleep? Had they skipped a snack? These factors can quickly drain their emotional reserves.
What’s contributing to your toddler's tantrums?
Think of your child’s most recent tantrum and then consider the following points. They’ll help you realise that there might have been more going on than you first thought.
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How was my child feeling before the tantrum? (Tired, hungry, sick, already frustrated, sad?)
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How did he sleep last night?
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Have there been any big changes in his world in recent days or weeks?
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How did the day go overall? (Smoothly, with lots of little hassles, or nothing went right?)
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How were my mood and stress level today?
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How were my toddler and I getting along today?
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Were we interacting with anyone else prior to the tantrum? How might this person (or persons) have contributed somehow?
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How was I feeling right before the tantrum?
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Did I have any expectations about how I wanted my child to behave that may have been unrealistic?
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What happened right before the tantrum?
Rebecca says, "Once you can start to spot all the links in the chain that might be leading to a tantrum, you can then take action before you get to the crunch point! Each link in the chain offers an opportunity to head off or intervene in a tantrum, and now you have lots of ways to do that!"
How to handle public meltdowns
We’ve all been there: your toddler starts screaming in the middle of a grocery store because they want a snack now. Eyes turn your way, and you feel the pressure to “fix” the situation fast. But handling a public tantrum isn’t about shutting it down—it’s about supporting your child through their big emotions.
Jen Mann, a mind-body expert and co-authors of The Secret Language of the Body share tips on how to handle toddler tantrums in public:
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Regulate yourself first: “When your child is having a meltdown, your own response is the first domino. If you react with frustration or panic, your child will mirror that. Take a deep breath and ground yourself before you respond.”
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Create a calmer environment: If possible, move your child to a quieter spot. “Public spaces can be overwhelming for kids, especially when they’re already upset. Removing some of that sensory overload can help them calm down faster.”
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Validate their emotions: Get down on their level, look them in the eyes, and acknowledge their feelings:
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Stay close and present: “Tantrums can feel scary for a child because their emotions are so big. Your presence reassures them that they’re safe. If your child allows, offer a comforting touch, like holding their hand or giving them a hug.
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Be patient: “It’s easy to feel embarrassed, especially in public. But remember, tantrums are not bad behaviour—they’re a developmental milestone. Staying calm teaches your child that you’re their steady anchor.”
Jenn adds, "By using your own body as a tool to help regulate your child's nervous system, you not only calm the immediate situation but also teach them long-term emotional regulation skills. And learning how to do this in public, also teaches your child that emotions are nothing to be embarrassed about. This approach is rooted in the idea that children learn to regulate by first co-regulating with a trusted regulated adult."
How do you set boundaries without ignoring your child’s feelings? It’s all about balancing firmness with empathy.
For example, if your child doesn’t want to leave the park, you might say:
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Empathy: “I know you’re having so much fun, and it’s hard to stop playing.”
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Firmness: “But it’s time to go home now.”
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Support: “Let’s plan to come back tomorrow.”
“When you acknowledge your child’s emotions, they feel heard. But being consistent with boundaries shows them that structure exists, even when things feel big,” says Jenn.
Calming phrases that work
Try these simple phrases to soothe your child while setting limits:
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“I see you’re upset. Let’s take a deep breath together.”
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“It’s okay to feel angry, but hitting isn’t okay. Let’s use our words.”
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“I know you’re disappointed, but we can’t do that right now. Let’s think of something else we can do together.”
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“I’m here, and we’ll figure this out together.”
“These kinds of responses strike a balance between empathy and guidance,” says Jenn. “You’re showing your child their feelings matter, while also guiding them toward better coping strategies.”
8 ways to handle toddler tantrum according to a child psychologist, Rebecca Schrag Hershberg
1 of 81) Be silly!
Tantrum simmering? When toddlers are building to the exploding point, surprise can be your friend – so be prepared to try something you’ve never done before!
Toddlers love silly, especially when it comes from Mum bursting into off-key song in the middle of the supermarket, or challenging them to a jumping race out of the playground when it’s time to leave. You might not feel comfortable at first but, trust me, this tantrum de-escalation strategy is worth looking silly for!
2 of 82) Think ahead
Seeing the world through your child’s eyes really helps. I recently left some dried mango that I’d bought as a treat for my son Henry on the kitchen counter. Henry came into the kitchen to have dinner, at which point his eyes landed on the mango with a laser-like focus. ‘I want mango!’ he demanded. And, just like that, I had an impending tantrum to derail.
Had I remembered that, at Henry’s height, the counter is exactly at eye level, I’d have put the dried mango in the cupboard. Henry wouldn’t have seen it, asked for it, been told he couldn’t have it, and started to lose his mind. It’s like falling dominoes: you have the power to place the first domino where it won’t knock down any others if it falls.
3 of 83) Name the emotion
When toddlers have a tantrum because they can’t manage their emotional distress, it often starts with not even knowing what emotion they are experiencing. And learning names for feelings can help.
So, if your child is upset that she can’t have a biscuit, simply acknowledge her desire and frustration by describing what’s going on: ‘I know, sweetie. I see how upset you are. You’re feeling frustrated and disappointed that you can’t have a biscuit right now, huh? You really, really want that biscuit.’
4 of 84) Regulate your emotions
What do you look like when you’re angry or upset? Do you curse like a sailor when someone cuts you up on the road or slam your bedroom door when you feel disappointed or let down?
How your child learns to handle her difficult feelings is going to depend a great deal on how she sees you handling yours. If you start to take three deep breaths when you feel frustrated, and to say out loud that this is what you’re doing, your child may learn to do that too.
5 of 85) Give good attention
More than anything else in the world, toddlers want their parents’ attention. So, it follows that whatever gets the most attention are the behaviours they’ll repeat.
Take when you go out and ask your child to put on his jacket. If he does it without protest, you may say ‘Good job’. If he refuses to put it on, he’ll gain several extra minutes of time with you, during which your attention is solely on him. In toddler world, this is called hitting the jackpot.
So, give more attention to a behaviour you want to promote than to a behaviour you want to eliminate. When you see the beginning of a tantrum, pull out your phone and scroll, guilt-free.
Sometimes if you ignore the behaviours that signal an oncoming tantrum, your toddler will get the message and cease and desist.
6 of 86) Skip the explanation
Too often, when toddlers are on the verge of tantrums, we intervene with logical, rational explanations intended to decrease frustration. This can make things worse. Your toddler’s initial frustration becomes compounded because he feels neither heard nor understood.
Instead, reflect back how your child is feeling so that you connect and communicate that you get it and that you’re on the same team.
7 of 87) Distract with a question
When trouble’s brewing, ask a question that seems to come out of the blue. One of my favourites is, ‘Hey, do you remember what you had for breakfast this morning?’ Most kids won’t recall this right away, and their subsequent pause will serve the dual purpose of taking their mind off their distress and buying you time to think about where you’re going to take the conversation.
Then it’s just about thinking on your feet: say she says she had scrambled eggs, you could tell her about how eggs come from chickens, ask what colour scrambled eggs are and what other things in the room are yellow, make up a song about eggs, ask whether the Gruffalo likes eggs…
8 of 88) Choose your battle
Toddlers have almost no autonomy: they’re told what, when and where to eat; when and where to sleep; what to wear; how to spend their days, and who to spend them with. This occurs at the same time developmentally they’re craving independence and control. Problem? Yep! Giving your toddler simple choices helps to reduce the tantrums that little dilemma creates.
Avoid an open choice such as ‘What do you want for breakfast?’ which can pave the way for a power struggle when she requests cake, and instead give her straightforward choices such as does she want her eggs on a plate or in a bowl.
Helping yourself stay calm in the midst of the chaos
"Parents can stay mindful of their reactions by becoming attuned to their own nervous system and stress responses. Our work emphasises that when parents are able to recognise signs of dysregulation—such as irritability, anxiety, or overwhelm—they can intervene before those feelings are projected onto their child.
One way to do this is by practicing regular body-based awareness techniques, such as pausing to notice physical sensations like tightness in the chest or shallow breathing. These signals often indicate the nervous system is in fight, flight, or freeze mode, and that’s a cue to take a moment to calm and center oneself," Karden Rabin, nervous system medicine practitioner and co-author of The Secret Language.
Handling tantrums starts with managing your own stress. Karden shares some quick tools to stay grounded:
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4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8. This calms your nervous system in moments of stress.
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Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups to release physical tension.
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Anchor yourself: Hold a small object, like a textured stone, and focus on its feel to bring yourself back to the present moment.
“When you regulate your emotions, you’re modeling calmness for your child,” Karden explains. “It’s one of the most powerful ways to teach them emotional resilience.”
Teaching emotional regulation through play
You can help your child build emotional regulation skills through fun, interactive activities:
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Energy release games: Have a “shake it out” contest to release pent-up energy or stomp like dinosaurs to channel frustration.
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Calming exercises: Try the “voo breath” together—take a deep breath in and exhale while making a low “vooooo” sound. This activates the vagus nerve, calming the nervous system.
“These playful moments aren’t just fun,” says Karden. “They teach your child tools for managing their emotions and strengthen your bond.”
About the experts
Rebecca Schrag Hershberg is a clinical psychologist, parenting coach, author of The Tantrum Survival Guide, and a mum of two.
Jennifer Mann is a certified mind-body practitioner, yoga instructor, and functional movement therapist, and has battled severe chronic fatigue. She began researching alternative approaches to healing chronic fatigue and was able to completely recover using trauma-informed, mind-body healing.
Karden Rabin is a nervous system medicine practitioner and an expert in the fields of trauma and psychophysiological disorders. Karden is the Co-Founder of Somia and a regular contributor to Bessel Van Der Kolk’s Trauma Research Foundation. He has led programming for The Wounded Warrior Project, Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, and Starbucks. Karden’s work has been featured in Forbes, Stylist, BBC Radio 5 Live, and BigThink.
About the author
Anne Lora Scagliusi is a Senior Digital Writer at Mother & Baby. She is a Scotland-based journalist with over a decade of international writing experience, specialising in women’s health, maternal mental health, and wellness. Her work has been featured in Vanity Fair, Marie Claire, and Glamour and has appeared on several Vogue global editions. She is mum to a one-year-old bambino and lives between Italy and the UK.