Is your child experiencing potty training regression? Then here’s what to do

After all the time and effort you've spent potty training your tot, once your child has gotten the hang of things, you start to relax and enjoy not having to change nappies - only for them to suddenly start having accidents again months later! This is what's known as potty training regression.

What causes potty training regression?

Sometimes potty training regression is just due to distraction, perhaps your child doesn't want to stop playing to use the toilet. It can also be caused by stress due to changes in their lives, like starting nursery, a new siblingor changes at home like parents splitting up.

Another reason for potty training regression may be constipation. If your child has painful bowel movements, it may make them less likely to want to go to the toilet. If unnoticed, children may hold it in for so long that they can't tell when they need to go and have accidents where they poo their pants.

Urinary tract infections or intestinal bugs may also scare a child away from the potty.

How to handle potty training regression

Most learning is a process of two steps forward and one back. To begin with, we are super-focused on our new skill, and then, as we get better at it, we can let our attention slip a little and go backwards. Accidents are normal - every classroom in every primary school will have a box of spare pants for these occasions. What you’re trying to achieve is independence, so if your child has an accident, gently support them as they clean it up. No drama, excitement, or anxiety, just a quick hand to grab some paper towels!

Don’t over-reassure your child (that’s bound to create suspicion and concern). Simply walk them through how to handle a wee or a poo in the pants or on the floor without any fuss.

Sometimes your child will get mucky as they try to clean themselves after a poo, and you will need to calmly help as you show them how to wash themselves and remind them that it’s ok to call you in the future if they need your help. But it really is just a bit of poo, after all, and it will wash off - don’t treat it with any more excitement than it needs, which is... none!

You can reduce the likelihood of potty training regression or at least limit how long it lasts by taking it in your stride, eliminating reward systems and, above all else, giving your child the space and privacy they require and the independence they crave, just by making it clear that you’re there when needed to support and help them as they grow up.

When's the best age to start potty training?

Gaining control over our bladder and bowels is a developmental stage, and quite simply, the earlier you start, the more accidents you will have to deal with. This is not a race, and getting your child “dry” sooner or later than your friend’s child does not define you as a good or bad parent. Our grandparents always planned to manage this stage during “the spring and summer closest to the second birthday, " which is still a good time to start. If in doubt, however, wait a little.

Nighttime dryness comes later, and 1 in 10 ten-year-olds regularly wet the bed, so do not expect too much too soon, or you’ll set yourself and your child up for failure. It is not always easy to spot clues as to readiness, but it can be helpful if your child has some simple language skills so you can ask for the potty or help wiping. With the advent of “feel-dry,” disposable nappies, toddlers have stopped being so aware, as they used to be in Terry nappies, that they have had a wee.

This means that waiting until they can tell you that they feel wet as a sign that they are ready to go into pants is no longer a reliable measure. So you might simply need to pick a good week when you have little else happening in your life, cross your fingers and just get cracking.

How should I support my child with potty training?

Remember, you are not simply trying to get your child clean and dry; you are supporting them in becoming independent. So take your child to the shops, go to the pants rack and give them a choice between two different packs of simple pants (don’t overwhelm them with choice). Don’t make a big deal out of this - you’re just buying pants! Buy at least a dozen pairs.

Now think about your child’s environment - can they find the potty? Can they manage wet wipes? Can they reach the sink? Is there an easy-to-use soap and a towel? Where are wet/dirty pants going to go (I suggest a bucket by the loo)? Now, without any fuss and excitement, simply explain to your child how to manage: “Sweetie, it is time to start using the potty. When you need a wee, it is here for you to use. Shout if you need my help.”

For the first week, it can really help to be home-based so you don’t have to handle accidents out and about and also because, if the weather is really good, you can forget pants altogether and head into the garden - if the first few wees water the grass, who cares? Your child will see the wee and start to make the connection. If a wee hits the potty, don’t make a huge thing of it - this is just a wee, and you expect it to land in the potty after all. A simple “That’s right, wees go in the potty. Now let’s go and empty it in the loo” is quite enough to give a clear and kind message that your child has done as expected. An accident needs a simple “Oops! You have missed the potty. When we wet ourselves/wee on the floor, we need to clean up. Let’s go and get some paper and dry the floor” and then walk them through the process.

This is a deeply respectful approach. No need for upset or even overly enthusiastic reassurance. Keep this process very matter-of-fact. After all, even grown-ups have accidents sometimes, so we need to help our children understand how to manage when they get in a bit of a pickle. Toddlers thrive on independence, so you’ll be amazed by how fast this down-to-earth approach works. You’re not looking for dry pants; remember, you just need independence. Dry and clean pants will follow in time. Make sure you’re close and available to wipe and wash hands, but respect your child if they request privacy. I certainly get terrible stage fright if I think someone is hovering outside my loo when I’m in there!

Do not discuss your child’s wees and poos in front of them or clap and cheer (imagine if that were you…). Your whole approach and demeanour should be one of understated and simple expectations that your child will learn, like the rest of the family, to handle their own bodily functions and that help is, of course, available if it’s asked for.

Should I use a star chart?

It depends on your child - some children respond well to potty reward charts. However, I am regularly asked to help parents who have run into difficulties with potty training, and almost always, they have been using a reward system such as a star chart.

It’s easy to assume that, by rewarding good behaviour, you will build on it and gain repetition, but that isn’t borne out in research or my experience over 30+ years. Remember that whenever you reward behaviour, you show your child that you didn’t expect it. Also, focusing too much attention on something which our culture and society see as private can actually increase shyness and anxiety.

Rewards should be saved for behaviour that you didn’t expect, that goes above and beyond, such as when your older child washes your car for you. With toilet independence, our quiet pleasure and the fact that our expectations have been met are reward enough.

Rachel Fitz-Desorgher is an active birth teacher, parenting consultant and author of Baby Skin To Skin, with over 30 years working as a midwife and as a parenting consultant. Part of our Mother&Baby expert panel, Rachel is based in Berkshire, near London, and has appeared on numerous radio programmes, talking about various issues from infant feeding to smacking to humanist parenting.